Explorers for MONEY
by Subzero Flames
Summary: Stopping time's paralysis is great and all, but is there a reward involved? That, and many other important questions are asked in this slightly strange take on Explorers of Time/Darkness...


_A/N: Zero Cool here! This fanfic idea basically popped into Pyro Fairy's head one day and I decided that the innocent people of the internet needed to be exposed to it._

_I am so, so sorry.  
_

_But it really needed to be done.  
_

_Enjoy! More to come soon(ish)!_

* * *

**Explorers for MONEY**

_1 – Money is better than Memory_

_Please answer these questions honestly. There are no wrong answers, it is just to assess your character._

"Er..."

_Question one._

"Wait, what?"

_A friend falls over in the street. Do you:_

_Help them?_

_Or laugh at them?_

"Er...where's the option to rob them?"

_Question two._

_A hand reaches out of the toilet. Do you:_

_Shake it?_

_Or run away?_

"I'd ask it to write me a cheque before telling it to fuck off."

_Question three._

_Do you think you might be a genius?_

"Absolutely. Seriously. In fact, his geniusness is wondering what the fu-"

_Question four._

"Argh, why'd you cut me o-"

_Do you think lies are sometimes necessary?_

"All the time. In fact, sometimes they're unnecessary. But definitely hilarious."

_..._

"For me, at least."

_...Question five._

"I get the feeling you're judging me..."

_You hear a rumour that might make you rich! What do you do?_

_Keep it to yourse-_

"Yes. Definitely."

_...Question six._

"Ha! How do you like being cut o-"

_Your friend is crying right in front of you! What made that happen?_

"I probably mugged him. Subtly isn't one of my key traits..."

_**I'll be the one to decide that.**_

"Uh..."

_Question seven._

_You run into a new person that you haven't talked to very much before. What do you do?_

"Ask him _politely _for his wallet."

_Okay, okay, I get the idea._

_Are you a boy or a girl?_

"YOU SAID THERE WOULD BE NO WRONG ANSWERS."

_Just answer the damn question._

"Boy."

_Thank you._

_Now then..._

_Your aura is a deep black colour, just like your soul. You are a horrible person, and I hope you get killed on this adventure in a fittingly pitiful way._

_Oh, and you're a Pikachu now._

"Whu..?"

_Now get the fuck out of this dream!_

* * *

On a beach, quite close to Treasure Town, a Cyndaquil gazed at the sunset as various Krabby blew bubbles in the air. To the Cyndaquil, it was a beautiful sight, but he didn't know that blowing bubbles was how Krabby urinated.

"Ugh. I can't believe security in that place is so tight. I'll have to think of a different approach..." he muttered, gazing upon the setting sun.

But he did not dwell on this for long, for an unconscious Pikachu caught his eye, who was groaning about where a strange voice in his head could go.

"Hey, are you okay?" the Cyndaquil asked, approaching in a slightly bewildered manner.

"I CAN SEE THE FUTURE," the Pikachu shouted suddenly, without reason. He looked delirious.

"Whu...what?"

"Ow...what did I have to drink last night...?"

The Pikachu picked himself up and blearily tried to focus on surrounding objects. His eyes landed on the Cyndaquil, and he slowly squinted.

"Are you my conscience?" he asked.

"Uh..."

"Because I could have sworn I killed you years ago."

"Um..."

"Never mind that, I don't really know where I am. Or what I'm doing. Or who I am, for that matter."

"You look like a normal Pikachu to me..."

There was a silence. The Pikachu stared at the Cyndaquil stupidly.

"Excuse me? Dude, do I look like a Pikachu? I'm a human, goddammit. And what're you meant to be?"

"I'm a Cyndaquil, and yes, you are a Pikachu. Very much so."

"Oh, what the fuck...I don't remember anything apart from the fact that I'm definitely supposed to be a human."

"You have amnesia?"

At this point, the Cyndaquil was very dubious about this Pikachu. However, he decided to play along- crazy people paid well, and money was the best thing in the world.

"I guess...?" the Pikachu responded, looking to see if the Cyndaquil had anything of value so he could steal it.

"Do you remember your name, at least?"

"I'm...erm..."

_Oh dear. Looks like someone can't remember their name. Well, you'll just have to think of one, won't you? And if you choose anything stupid-_

"My name is...King Zapper."

_Oh goddammit._

"You can refer to me as 'your majesty'."

"Uh-huh..." the Cyndaquil slowly nodded in response, not really following, "Well, er, my name is Steve."

"Okay, er, Steve, can you tell me what the quickest way of making money as a Pokemon is?"

"Apparently exploration teams get paid well...but I haven't found anyone to team up with. Nor have I found anywhere to sell this," Steve explained, throwing a rock with strange markings on the ground.

Zap appraised it with his hungover wisdom.

"Looks like a piece of shit."

"There's gotta be at least one sucker who'd pay good money for it, right?"

"Well..." Zap began to reply, but was cut off by the appearance of a Koffing and a Zubat.

"Wo-ho-ho! What do we have here?" Koffing smirked, floating towards Steve's rock.

"Heh-heh-heh, looks like something with epic value! Maybe we should ask these wimps to hand it over," Zubat shoved Steve, forcing him on the floor.

"Hey, man, what the hell?" Steve said, picking himself up and brushing sand off his body.

"Woops! Terribly sorry about my friend's clumsiness. He gets a little excited sometimes..." Koffing said, inching towards the rock.

"Heh-heh-heh, yeah, I'm a huge fan of priceless artefacts."

"How much are you offering?" Steve inquired optimistically.

"Wo-ho-ho! I don't think we need to pay for it!"

"Heh-heh-heh! You wimps couldn't leave a scratch on us! Just watch as I steal it from you right before your eyes!"

Zubat proceeded to prod the rock with his feet, in a vain attempt to lift it up with non-existent hands/feet/claws/anything.

Feeling just a little bit stupid, he glanced over at Koffing (or at least, pointed his face in that direction, as Zubats don't actually have eyes to glance with) who puffed out a cloud of smoke in frustration.

"Erm...hm..."

"Should we get the bo-"

"No. We must _never_ call the boss out. You saw what he did last time. I don't know how it even happened. It just got everywhere. Took me fucking weeks to get the smell off. I think the mental scarring is permanent, because I haven't gotten a good night's sleep since-"

"Okay, okay, I get the idea, man. Just- stop now. You're tearing up, dude. Right in front of these wimps."

The 'wimps' were staring at the two poison types with varying levels of confusion on their faces. Steve looked slightly sympathetic, though, while King Zapper was still trying to fight his headache, and so didn't give a shit about Koffing's sob story.

"Right, yeah. Woops. Wo-ho-ho...?"

"Um, anyway, we need a new plan," Zubat reminded everyone, getting the plot back on track.

"I dunno, cram it in your mouth or something..." Koffing muttered.

"Heh-heh-heh!"

"Wo-ho-ho!"

"Heh-heh-heh!"

"Wo-ho-ho!"

"Heh-heh...heh...?"

There was an epic silence.

"You're really not joking, are you?" Zubat said, ears drooping.

"Wo-ho-ho! Of course not! Now hurry up and gobble the stone, and let's hightail it outta here," Koffing said. He meant business.

Zubat sighed, opened his large mouth, grabbed the rock, and accidently almost swallowed it.

'Almost' because it got stuck in his throat.

"Wo-ho-ho! See you chumps later!" Koffing said, nudging Zubat towards the cave.

Zubat made some pained gurgling noises, which almost sounded like a plea for help, before relenting and flying after Koffing.

Zap and Steve stood in total silence as they watched the two retreat. Neither looked at each other.

"...What...just happened?" Steve asked, eye twitching.

"I think we just got robbed," Zap replied, eyeing Steve.

"'We'? Since when? That rock was mine."

"'We', because we both have the same goal here. Let's kick ass, and make a fortune."

"...That actually sounds pretty cool..."

"Exactly. Now let's get moving. If we don't hurry, the Zubat saliva might start corroding the rock and it's value will be even less."

"Oh, yeah..."

The two headed into the beach cave.

* * *

"I get the feeling we're not welcome here..." Steve whispered to Zap, who was marching through the cave aimlessly, ignoring the glares from the locals.

"Nah, they're just nervous," Zap replied, as he stomped on a Shellder, "I'm just a little confused, though."

"About what?"

"Well, when we entered, we just appeared in a room with no sign of where we'd come in. On top of that, these stairs."

They had just arrived at the stairs leading downwards, deeper into the cave.

"What about them?" Steve asked, oblivious to the obvious problem.

Zap gaped at Steve, baffled that someone so stupid could be real.

"Look, okay, this cave is almost untouched by civilisation. How could anyone just leave this convenient stairs here? Just- all that effort making them, for what?"

"Well, the locals could have made them."

At that moment, a Corsola waddled up to Zap and cheerfully smiled at him.

"No. I don't think they could," he said, as the Corsola started licking his feet.

"Hey, little guy," Steve said, slowly approaching the local, who hid behind Zap.

"No, no, he can sense your malicious intent. You're being way too obvious. Watch me," King Zapper boasted, turning and crouching to the Corsola's height.

"Hi, buddy," he said, stroking the Corsola, who adorably smiled at him.

Zap smiled back, and with unconcealed mirth, he grabbed the Corsola firmly, who continued to smile the kind of smile that pierces the soul.

"Fork over your money," Zap said, his expression swiftly changing into a menacing glare.

The Corsola continued to smile.

Zap scowled, and thundershocked the Corsola . Twice.

With no remorse.

"Dude, what the hell? He was so cut-" Steve objected, but was cut off.

"What, cute? For real? Nothing looks good unless it's shiny gold or a mirror. That's one of the many laws you must abide by if you want to be rich."

"...Yeah, but..."

"Shut up and get the fuck down those stairs."

"The ones you had a problem with earlier?"

"...I have no problem doing to you what I did to that Corsola."

"...Eep..."

* * *

"Wo-ho-ho! They'll never make it this far!"

Zubat made some strangled noises in reply to Koffing, who sighed.

"...That does mean you can spit it out now."

After a long and rather horrifying five minutes, Zubat finally managed to spit out the rock...

...right into Koffing's face.

"...I have never been so horrified since...well, you know when..." Koffing said, glaring at his companion.

Zubat coughed and spluttered, restoring proper airflow to his body.

"Dude, I'm so sorry..." he gasped, his voice slightly hoarse.

"Just- uh, whatever."

There was a silence.

"So..."

"Yes?"

"Now what? We're at a dead end," Zubat reminded Koffing.

"Well, um...oh, shit, this was a terrible idea..."

"Yeah, it was, wasn't it?" Said a voice that was neither Koffing nor Zubat.

The two looked at each other, and then the rock, and then the direction of the voice.

Koffing was the first to regain his composure.

"Wo-ho-ho! If it isn't the wimps-"

"Cram it, puffball. I'm over my headache, or hangover, or whatever it was. I'm also pissed off and you're both unforgivably stupid," King Zapper declared, his glare striking fear into the hearts of both Koffing and Zubat.

"I don't know about you, Zap-"

"Er-hem."

"Um, _your majesty,_ but I reckon those gases that Koffing releases are flammable...what do you think?"

"Well, I guess it wouldn't hurt to try. Us, I mean. It'd hurt them. A lot."

Steve grinned, and launched an ember attack, which caused Koffing to explode.

Unfortunately, it only deflated him, rather than being lethal, but now Zubat definitely understood how much of a chance he fared.

"AAAAAAAH!"

Or not, as he charged directly at Zap, and was immediately fried by a well placed thundershock.

"Better get the plates."

Zap looked at Steve in confusion.

"Because they just got served."

The sound of a loud facepalm echoed around the cave.


End file.
